For Love of Daenerys

SLC Diaper Diva Shasta has been cutting oodles and oodles fabric for our headquarters team for many months, including this sweet collection of diapers for The Preemie Project that was sewn up by fellow Diva Svetlana.  Shasta shares her story of strength and resilience, the cautious and conflicted beginning of her journey into diapering angel babies, and the unexpected peace she found along the way.

"I've been cutting fabric for Megan (slowly) for several months now. I've also been trying to pin down why this project speaks to me so loudly. Last year, I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. I was told it wasn't my fault, it wasn't a viable pregnancy, this happens with a lot of first pregnancies, so on and so forth. I am sure many of you know that none of that helps even the tiniest bit. I'm kind of a nutcase to begin with, but I went exceptionally crazy. I made a lot of weird decisions, left a long-term job, broke up with some friends, and thought pretty seriously about killing myself.

I don't remember when I first 'friended' Megan, but I do remember when she commented on something I posted with sensitivity and kindness. Rather than heaping blame on me for how I was feeling, it felt more like she wrapped her arms around me and said "it's okay that you're angry and I'm really sorry."

I also don't remember when I first noticed the posts from Teeny Tears. I had a lot of mental arguments with myself about offering to help. I hadn't even made it knowing the gender of my baby (I prefer to believe I was having a girl), but I'd been testing out names already. I hadn't gotten anywhere near the kind of loss many of you ladies have experienced...but, on the other hand, no one talks about my loss anymore. I don't want to know why, I just make with the "I'm fine" strategy.

I finally did offer to cut fabric and picked up a pile from Megan's husband. When I finished, Megan insisted on coming over to pick them up so we could catch up. The first thing she handed me was my very own teeny diaper. So much for not crying anymore. If I didn't tell her how much that tangible item meant to me, I am now. I've always been pretty solitary, so cutting fabric while I sit in the corner of my couch with the tv on suits me just fine. I've found myself looking at fabric when I go to a store that might have it, pricing scissors, or trying to figure out where I'd put a sewing machine if I had one.

Some days, I can't even stand to look at the cute patterns, or pictures of stacks of donated diapers. At least these women got to hold their babies. They have graves to visit...but, other days, I'm glad to know that my contribution might help some other mom cope with her grief and know that someone out there is acknowledging her loss in a tangible way.

In the end, I don't have any real conclusions. I just know my small contribution has helped bring me a measure of peace and acceptance that I would not have thought possible, so thank you, Megan and Teeny Tears, just for being there. 

After reading another post about a woman naming her baby after a miscarriage at eight weeks, I decided it's okay if I give mine a name, too.  I was hoping to name my baby Daenerys."
~Shasta, Daenerys' mommy
These 76 precious little diapers have been donated to The Preemie Project! The Preemie Project is a wonderful organization that seeks to provide much-needed comfort and support to critically ill infants and their families in newborn intensive care units in Iowa. They also provide bereavement clothing and items of remembrance to grieving families who have suffered a loss.  Don't forget to "like" them on Facebook!

8 comments:

Debra Mosher said...

Wow, that made me cry. Daenerys is immortalized here now Shasta. Seems like a good place to visit him. You might also want to google the "Angel of Hope". It gives a physical place to go to when you need it.

Gwen said...

Thank you for your heart felt honesty. It really touched my heart. The memory of your sweet baby girl now lives on through your sweet service to so many others in a time of their deepest despair. Daenerys is a beautiful name, for your beautiful daughter.

Gramma Vicki said...

Bless your heart. I'm gramma to two babies who didn't make it - one miscarried about 17 weeks (my daughter and her husband gave the name Julia Rose), and then Evan Riley at full term, in whose name we now have a non-profit (EvansEmbrace.org). We've also found that doing something like this is so helpful in our grief journey. Giving back out helps to fill in some deep heart holes. Thank you for sharing your story. And contributing to such a hurting world. You are wonderful! ♥ Gramma Vicki

Micki said...

What heart breaking honesty. I know I've often felt similar emotional struggles and I wish it wasn't like this for anyone. I agree that this is a healing project, not just for the gesture of helping others, but for the amazing angel families we meet along the way and band together to lift each up. <3

Shanti Woodside said...

Thank you for sharing your story. Miscarriages are a heartbreaking experience, often forgotten by others, but not the mama. So sorry for your loss. I miscarried twice before my twin pregnancy, then lost a twin. Glad the Teeny Tears experience is helping you heal. <3

Vanessa P said...

Having met Shasta in real life I can tell you she carries a feeling of survivor. What a strength you have Shasta to tell the truth and pains of grief. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your angel with us. I know every diaper you have cut out you have done with love.

Lisette said...

Everyone's path is different, but I too can attest to how warm and kind Megan is even from afar.

Tracy said...

I'm glad you gave your sweet baby a name, and such a beautiful one. It was one of the more essential things I did when my first child died in miscarriage at 6 weeks. Leaning into the pain and giving to others was also part of my journey. I'm sad Daenerys is not with you, but I love that you have found a way to connect and heal.