For Love of Daenerys

SLC Diaper Diva Shasta has been cutting oodles and oodles fabric for our headquarters team for many months, including this sweet collection of diapers for The Preemie Project that was sewn up by fellow Diva Svetlana.  Shasta shares her story of strength and resilience, the cautious and conflicted beginning of her journey into diapering angel babies, and the unexpected peace she found along the way.

"I've been cutting fabric for Megan (slowly) for several months now. I've also been trying to pin down why this project speaks to me so loudly. Last year, I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. I was told it wasn't my fault, it wasn't a viable pregnancy, this happens with a lot of first pregnancies, so on and so forth. I am sure many of you know that none of that helps even the tiniest bit. I'm kind of a nutcase to begin with, but I went exceptionally crazy. I made a lot of weird decisions, left a long-term job, broke up with some friends, and thought pretty seriously about killing myself.

I don't remember when I first 'friended' Megan, but I do remember when she commented on something I posted with sensitivity and kindness. Rather than heaping blame on me for how I was feeling, it felt more like she wrapped her arms around me and said "it's okay that you're angry and I'm really sorry."

I also don't remember when I first noticed the posts from Teeny Tears. I had a lot of mental arguments with myself about offering to help. I hadn't even made it knowing the gender of my baby (I prefer to believe I was having a girl), but I'd been testing out names already. I hadn't gotten anywhere near the kind of loss many of you ladies have experienced...but, on the other hand, no one talks about my loss anymore. I don't want to know why, I just make with the "I'm fine" strategy.

I finally did offer to cut fabric and picked up a pile from Megan's husband. When I finished, Megan insisted on coming over to pick them up so we could catch up. The first thing she handed me was my very own teeny diaper. So much for not crying anymore. If I didn't tell her how much that tangible item meant to me, I am now. I've always been pretty solitary, so cutting fabric while I sit in the corner of my couch with the tv on suits me just fine. I've found myself looking at fabric when I go to a store that might have it, pricing scissors, or trying to figure out where I'd put a sewing machine if I had one.

Some days, I can't even stand to look at the cute patterns, or pictures of stacks of donated diapers. At least these women got to hold their babies. They have graves to visit...but, other days, I'm glad to know that my contribution might help some other mom cope with her grief and know that someone out there is acknowledging her loss in a tangible way.

In the end, I don't have any real conclusions. I just know my small contribution has helped bring me a measure of peace and acceptance that I would not have thought possible, so thank you, Megan and Teeny Tears, just for being there. 

After reading another post about a woman naming her baby after a miscarriage at eight weeks, I decided it's okay if I give mine a name, too.  I was hoping to name my baby Daenerys."
~Shasta, Daenerys' mommy
These 76 precious little diapers have been donated to The Preemie Project! The Preemie Project is a wonderful organization that seeks to provide much-needed comfort and support to critically ill infants and their families in newborn intensive care units in Iowa. They also provide bereavement clothing and items of remembrance to grieving families who have suffered a loss.  Don't forget to "like" them on Facebook!