For Love of Breanna

Angel mommy Erin shares her story as written 6 months after the full term stillbirth of baby Breanna, and her reflections 6 years later.

"When we found out we were pregnant in June of 2006 we were shocked! We had been married for 7 years and only used birth control for 4 months (3 of those months were due to medical reasons) and we just did not get pregnant easily. We were blessed with a beautiful son in 2001 after using Clomid for 4 months. He did not come into this world easy though. I ended up having an emergency C-Section, but after all was said and done we had a perfect baby. We hoped to have more children; our plan was to have 4 children all 2 years apart. Its funny how you plan things out in your mind but the way they actually happen can be completely different.

My pregnancy was perfect, I only threw up once. I felt a little queasy at times but nothing to keep me down. We found out at 20 weeks that we were having a girl. I felt that life could not get any better. It was so fun planning for a baby again. We had everything ready. Her diaper bag was packed and her clothes were washed and in size order hanging in the closet. We decided on the name Breanna Marie and were eagerly awaiting her arrival. On January 10, 2007 I had my last check up before delivery. I couldn’t remember her moving since earlier the day before; I didn’t think much of it, thinking she may have just run out of room.

I went to my appointment and when I sat down I told the nurse that I had not felt her move that I could remember since yesterday. She started to listen for her heartbeat. At first she could not find it, which was normal, because Breanna was usually moving so much, we could hear her kicking, but it would take a few minutes to find her heartbeat because of all the movement. After a few minutes though I began to worry and to cry. She suggested that we go and do an ultrasound with the doctor just to make sure everything was ok.

I remember the tech was there first and she was asking me how my Christmas had been and all I could think was: quit trying to change the subject to make me feel better just tell me what is going on. My doctor and his nurse came in. The nurse held my hand and as soon as they put the ultrasound wand on my stomach I knew. I looked at that screen and I could see our baby and her heart and it was not beating. I was screaming. He asked if he could look again just to be sure, but she was gone. I was crying, saying but we wanted her so bad. My doctor held me as I cried and I think I even pounded on his back. I said I need to call my husband, but how am I going to tell him that our little girl is gone, how am I going to tell our son that his sister is not coming home with us.

When I got to the doctor's office, I called my husband, and I had to tell him over the phone. He rushed to the office from work. I was worried about him the whole time. I knew that he would be driving fast to get to me. He was just as devastated. He held me and we cried and told each other that it was going to be ok. My mom came immediately as well--she was such a rock for us. My husband called his mom and she too came right away. I found out at about 10 am that morning and by 4 pm on January 10, 2007 I had a C-Section. Afterwards my doctor explained that I had a placental abruption and that there was blood in the membranes. He said that sometimes these things happen, and for no reason.

My doctor and the hospital staff were amazing! They let us take Breanna with us back to our room. After a while they took her and bathed her and brought her back. We got to love on her and hold her. She was perfect... she was going to be here in 8 days, how could this happen? I looked over her whole body. I wanted to remember what she looked like. She looked just like her brother. We dressed her in the outfit that we were going to bring her home from the hospital in. We put on a bracelet that her aunt had made, and we wrapped her in the blanket her grandma had bought her and that we planned on using on her blessing day. We took several pictures and just tried to soak in the moment. Heavenly Father had given us the most beautiful baby, if only for a short time.

That was on Wednesday. On Saturday we had a funeral for her. So many people came. Family flew and drove many miles and friends from church were there to show their support for us. I truly believe that Breanna was just too perfect to come to this world, she needed a body and we gave her that. I know that we will be with her again, and I look forward to that day.

I am ok with Breanna's death, I am not mad or bitter. I don't completely understand but one day I will. I am thankful that she chose us to be her parents. We feel truly blessed to be her mom and dad. Without the Gospel and help of family and friends, this experience would have been impossible to go through. We have received so much support from everyone.

*** 

I wrote the previous words 6 months after Breanna passed away. It has now been 6 years. Since that time so many things have changed and our family has been blessed beyond measure. Four years after we lost Breanna we were blessed with another beautiful baby girl, Riley. She brings our family so much joy. Sixteen months after Riley was born we were blessed with another beautiful baby boy, Carter. Every time I look at my sweet babies I just can’t believe how blessed we truly are. We now have an 11 year old, a 21 month old, and a 5 month old.

For so long after Breanna died I felt like I had empty arms. Now my arms are truly filled with sweet blessings from God. We talk about Breanna often and we as a family continue to look forward to the day when we can all be together again." ~Erin, Breanna's mommy

These 20 diapers were handcrafted by Julie Mitchell, friend to Breanna's mommy.  They have been donated for the families of Georgia Health Science University in Augusta, Georgia

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