For Love of Gunner

"We were expecting our third child. Going through a "normal" pregnancy without any complications was the easy part. We just didn't realize that it wouldn't end the same as "normal" pregnancies. I had just finished my last appointment on Feb 7th , we were finally scheduled to be induced on Feb 14th 2012. Everything looked good, baby was fine. 

Late Friday night I kept waking, which wasn't unusual because my baby would always wake me. This time I felt different. I could sense in the back of my mind that there was something wrong but I kept talking my self out of it; that I was overreacting. Saturday morning rolled around and the feeling I was having wasn't really going away. I told my husband and told him I really hadn't felt the baby move but maybe was just resting before the big day. We went to my nephew's birthday party and I finally convinced my husband that I should call my doctor. By now it was around 3pm. I got the on-call Dr. to call me back, and as usual, he just told me to come in for a stress test. So, my children (2) plus my husband and I all went to the hospital. I explained to the nurses what I thought was going on. They hooked me up. The nurse kept trying to hear something on the doppler, then another nurse came in and another. I had 3 nurses all with dopplers trying to find what wasn't there. They called the on-call doctor who was there in 5 minutes with an ultrasound machine. 

He started looking and our nightmare began. We had lost our baby. There was no "sugar-coating" it for our daughters who were 4 and 10 at the time. Our world drastically crashed. When you get pregnant, you never expect that you will carry this child for 9 months and then never get to feed them, cloth them, play with them, sing, laugh, or watch them grow. Now came the hard part. Yes that's correct, you think hearing that you lost the baby is bad....well, I still had to deliver this baby naturally.  REALLY??  Not only do I lose a child but I have to endure labor knowing that what I deliver is not living. 

I was given pitocin to start my labor that evening around 6pm I had to labor another 16 hours. During the quiet time when I could finally relax between contractions, I told my husband that I didn't want to do this anymore, I wanted to just go home. Maybe this baby would just disappear. I knew this wasn't true but I didn't know what else to do. I was in pain - a tear in your heart kind of pain except it was more like my heart had exploded into a million pieces. While laboring, I had to be moved side to side because the baby could not help get into position to come out. Finally it was time. 

I delivered a healthy dead baby. 8lbs 5oz little boy. We were so hoping for a boy but alive. My heart ached even more. All I could do was hold his limp body and cry. My oldest daughter was bawling trying to peek at her new brother. My youngest didn't really understand. It was now time to invite all of our family to see him. They had been waiting there all night. I think the saddest for me to see was when my Mom held him and started to cry. Over the next days in the hospital, we bathed him and took as many photos as we could. Trying to be normal, we had a picture taken of all three kids together. I can definitely say now that I'm glad we did. We will never have a chance to do those again. 

The reason I chose Teeny Tears Diapers was because I felt like it was one of the only ways I could help other families that have lost a child. It is kind of therapeutic to make these little diapers. I was able to take them to my hospital and give them to my nurse that helped me during our loss. I will continue to help them whenever they need these diapers. I have also been blessed by The Ramsey Keller Memorial. They are based in Billings, Montana and pay for funerals of children under the age of one. Our family was the first recipient of theirs. The founder, Kori Keller, had just lost her little girl just 3 months before me. I will continue to support this cause too as it is extremely expensive for a funeral of a child. An expense that no parent is expecting when you are delivering your child. The Ramsey Keller Memorial makes it possible for families to have a funeral that they want instead of what their checkbook can afford. All together I think ours was around $3000 but could easily have been more. ~Robin, mommy to Gunner

These diapers and blankets have been donated for families at St. Vincent's Hospital in Billings, Montana in loving memory of Gunner Perry Zundel who was born still on February 12, 2012